Have your kids recently become obsessed with blind bags? Me too. Have you considered just dumping the cash you’ve spent on these mystery toy items directly into the toilet while flushing and waving farewell to your money simply because it’s far easier and less painful than going through the emotional journey that is purchasing these for your children? SAME! But guys, don’t worry, because I’ve figured out a simple ten-step process to follow that will make it far easier to endure these purchases.
A Ten-Point Guide for Buying Blind Bags for Your Kids
1. Before leaving the house, decide exactly how much you’re willing to spend to make your children unhappy. This dollar amount will fluctuate, depending on how many children you’re bringing with you to Target and how well-behaved they have been up until this point in the day. You may find that you’re willing to spend more money to make them cry more. This is completely normal and isn’t cause for concern.
2. Listen to your children debate which blind bag/item they will choose once they get to the store. Attempt to head off any potential disappointment by warning them that the item they are hoping to select may be sold out. This is mostly to help you prepare you for the inevitable meltdown that’s coming, as obviously your children aren’t listening to you because you’re talking.
3. Escort your children to the aisle where the toys that manipulate children’s eternal sense of hope blind bags are stocked. Be ready to make that face you make when your kids are disappointed when their hoped-for item is out of stock EVEN THOUGH YOU WARNED THEM but you’re a good mom and you have to at least look sympathetic even though really you wish you were home catching up on your DVR shows. You know, that face.
4. Find a comfortable nearby place to sit/lean and scroll through Facebook while they decide on which toy they want to ruin their day Do that thing where you’re listening for their voices (to make sure they’re are still in the same area as you and not being actively kidnapped) but tuning them out enough so that life goes back to being pleasant. Key phrases to listen for are, “Can we go now?” and “Does this one cost too much?”
5. Head to the checkout lanes to purchase your children’s new potential “treasures”. Attempt to warn your children that they don’t know what will be inside the bag, that they may not like it, and it could be something they’ve already received before. Advise them that you care not about any of these things once you swipe your card at the register. Your children will say things like, “I’ll be okay with whatever is in here, I like them all!”, “I’m pretty sure it’s [name of preferred dinosaur/character/princess] because I can feel it inside the bag,” and, “I KNOW, uggggghhhhh!” It’s important that you do this so that you can feel justifiably smug when you tell this story later to your other parent friends.
6. Pay for your childrens’ toys. Savor the last few moments of happiness these imagined toys bring your children.
7. Complete your transaction, walk away from the register, give your children the green light to open their blind bags, and silently observe the fallout when your children are yet again disappointed by capitalism.
8. DO NOT, under any circumstances, offer to buy another blind bag in the hopes that this one will be better, or at the very least, can’t be much worse than the garbage toy they just received. It won’t be better, and it can be worse. So, so, so much worse.
9. After half-heartedly comforting your children and commisserating with them, drive home while offering such time-honored parenting tidbits such as, “Well, maybe next time you’ll get that one you wanted!”, “At least you got a toy; some kids don’t get to choose a toy at all!”, and, “Maybe we shouldn’t get blind bags anymore, since you get so upset when we get them.” Make sure you finish with that last one, because it will incite the most outrage and make you giggle the hardest to yourself.
10. Repeat the entire process in about a month when your kids have deleted the entire experience from their brains.
This post totally contains affiliate links. Any money I earn from Amazon will be used to buy books for myself unless my kids can talk me into throwing more money away on their blind bag obsession.