Ah, family. They’re the ones we love the most, but the ones we take most for granted. I don’t think I throw them a thank you as frequently as I should, so I’m taking a moment to do so today.
To my son, thank you for reading to your sister. I couldn’t take one more round of The Cow That Laid an Egg, and I appreciate you taking a few turns so I could read the most recent issue of People magazine to myself. Celebrities are so much more believable than a cow laying an egg, you know? Thank you, also, for breaking your bedroom window yesterday. I’ve been meaning to get the vacuum up there for some high dusting and baseboard cleaning. I love that you know just how to motivate me into action. You and I are totally connected like that.
To my daughter, thank you for for helping me unload the dishwasher yesterday. You kick ass at putting away the silverware, and that’s my least favorite part. Thank you, also, for telling me my haircut looked like “the guy from the Chocolate Factory” last time I got it cut. Using my deductive reasoning, I surmise you didn’t mean Gene Wilder, as I had a dark brown bob and you still haven’t seen the original version. I am excited that I am able to tell people that the celebrity I most resemble is A-list actor Johnny Depp, as I was previously stuck with Mayim Bialik of Blossom fame, and now best known as Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler on The Big Bang Theory. Sure, our resemblance was much more prominent when we were teens, but there really hasn’t been a more suitable alternative. Until now.
To my husband, thank you for showing no favoritism to the many different shapes of my body over the years. While this was annoying when I was working my ass off, literally, and in the best shape of my life, right now I really appreciate it. No matter how big or small or old I get, you still want to nail me all the livelong day. That’s a nice trait in a husband. Also, thanks for the grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup you made me for lunch today. That will never get old.
To my brother, thank you for being everyone’s favorite. It really takes the pressure off me, and since you aren’t a sister, I’m not too jealous of how beloved you are. If you were a girl I would probably hate you so hard. Keep being perfect, and I’ll keep pissing people off with my mouth. We’re a good team like that.
To my mother, thank you for making me feel like I’ve got my shit together by allowing me help to solve some of your problems. When your deceased father’s mounds and mounds of junk mail threatened to kill you under a tsunami of Republican propaganda, I was able to save your life by helping you opt out of so much stuff. With the junk mail hopefully subsiding, I feel like a problem solver and I get the added satisfaction of having a hand in getting eleventy thousand “Impeach Obama” fliers out of circulation. While the mystery of your Facebook password may never be solved, we are making strides in other areas.
To myself, thank you for making good choices when it really matters. Eating your weight in chocolate chip cookie dough is not a good choice, but it’s not one that will change the course of history. Keep your terrible choices confined to your YouTube video watching and snack food binging, and continue to use your best judgement when surrounding yourself with good people and choosing friends. You’ve acquired quite a global village, you lucky bitch. Don’t screw it up.
Good talk. Love you guys hard.