I hate greeting card shopping for my husband.
None of the sentiments fit our relationship, and they all feel hollow. Insincere. I don’t know why this always surprises me, because how can I expect a stranger who is creating a brand of thoughtfulness to appeal to the general public to pen just the right thing for me?
I can’t be the only one who is disappointed when looking at the acres of mass produced sentiment before that special someone’s birthday or an anniversary. Love is so universal, something that is felt by all, so there should be one friggin card that fits how I feel about the man I chose to make my life and my children with. There must be other couples who gag at the title “soulmate” and who would never use the words “fairy tale” to describe their relationship, or get this one: “love was invented for us.”
I want a card that says, “Thank you for going through the piles of leaves to find the plastic jewelry your daughter lost while rolling around in them when she was ‘being a good helper.'”
Or one that says, “Remember when you proposed and we were so giddy that we locked ourselves out of our apartment and had to climb over the neighbors deck to break in? I’m glad we’re still in love, but I wish I didn’t still lock myself out all the time.”
I can never find anniversary cards that say, “I’m happy you still want to nail me after all these years. Sorry I’m not up for it every single day anymore, but I still think you’re hot.”
And on that topic, “Thanks for still finding me attractive even when my legs and my upper lip are more fitting for Tom Selleck than for the lady in your life.”
“I’m happy to give you the big piece of chicken. Thanks for knockin’ out the rent.”
“Thanks for coming from a good family. I know you have no control over that, but I appreciate it anyway.”
“I’m glad you think our kids are as hilarious and adorable as I do. It’s great that you can tolerate them when I’m ready to trade them to the circus for a bag of peanuts and some cotton candy.”
And, sometimes an apology card is in order.
“Sorry I ate the last of the good Halloween candy. It was there, and you weren’t.”
Figure it out, greeting card people. Your sunset scenes and flowery sentiment are making me sick.