Wanna Be Friends?

Awesome friend

Let’s be friends!

I like to think I’m a pretty good friend, and history has proven I’m better at some aspects of friendship than others. Before you sign in blood and we become friends for life, here is a snapshot of what you’ll be in for. If after reading this, you still have room for me in your life and in your Facebook news feed, holla at me and I’ll get your half of our BFF necklace in the mail!

I’m an Awesome Friend

I’m a Crappy Friend

I will always have beer when you stop by.
I may not have food. You’ll want to bring a snack.
If I go somewhere with you and I don’t know anyone else, you don’t need to babysit me. I’m not a clingy friend, and I make an excellent plus one.


If I see someone remotely more interesting than you, I’m off to investigate. These types of people include, but are not limited to: anyone with a handle bar mustache, a gigantic cowboy hat, interesting tattoos, or piercings; or even just the drunk high schoolers in the next campsite. I also can’t resist any sort of drama. If a fight’s a brewing, I’m involved. This also means you’re involved.
My housekeeping skills will make yours look amazing. You’ll walk out of my home thinking you’re June Mother Humpin’ Cleaver.
You and your children will be covered in dog hair when you leave. No, you aren’t getting a cold, it’s just allergies from the dust.
I’ll always remember your birthday.
I’ll hit you up on Facebook.
If you are pissed at someone, I’ll be pissed too. I’m a good friend, so I’ll talk hella shit with you.
When you make up with that person, I’ll still hold a grudge, and think you’re dumb for being friends with such a bitchface. Even though I’m friends with tons of bitchfaces. They’re some of my favorite people.
I’m always up for a good time, and want to do every fun thing you suggest.
I have zero dollars and almost zero babysitters. I will rarely do the fun things that I’m invited to.
I love a good play date, and since they cost zero dollars and require zero babysitters, I will always attend.
I will overstay my welcome, and head for the door as you’re putting your kids to bed. I’ll still be there 30 minutes later, because getting my kids to put their shoes on is like herding chickens.
You can trust me to give you honest advice about any important topic, as long as I think you’ll actually listen.  Since I don’t give a shit about which cable provider you have and I don’t expect to change your mind on vaccinations, I won’t be going all in on those topics.
I may not share that opinion with love, and my opinion may not be what you want to hear.


I’ll motivate you to exercise…
…by lying and saying I’m exercising. Don’t feel bad. I’m lying to myself, too.
I might write about you on my blog.
I might write about you on my blog.
someecards.com - If you ever disappeared while hiking, I'd remain with the search party until it started raining

25 thoughts on “Wanna Be Friends?

  1. I’m so half and half! In some ways- like making your housekeeping look good- I’m the best BFF ever! In others, I’m the crappiest crap crap friend in the world.

  2. Yes yes yes. that grudge part is so true… many times I wait for that person to screw up again so we can be mad all over again.

  3. I loved this post. Nothing says what kind of a friend you are like the being-pissed-at-someone-with-me part. Crucial friendship quality. If you’re the type that encourages me to love my enemy, we’re totally breaking up. And my kids also take an hour to put on their shoes. Sometimes I think we should just spend the playdate putting on our shoes. Good times.

  4. I love the part about being covered in dog hair when you leave – that’s so my house! With 3 dogs that insist on sleeping on the couch – you will take home enough hair to probably knit your own dog 🙂

  5. This is awesome.

    I’m totally the person who is up for all the fun things – but has no money or babysitter to facilitate said fun. And I hold onto those grudges long after the friend has moved on. People shouldn’t tell me about horrible things if they don’t want me to remember them.

  6. I almost think (in my case anyway) when you get to midlife, a natural selection occurs. You don’t expend as much energy on the “Facebook friends” as you do for the friends you know will be there for you. My blogging partner (Lee) and I have been friends for almost 30 years…the other gal pals in our group we’ve kind of list touch with.

    1. Living 3000 miles from friends and family makes Facebook pretty important to me, but the number of old friends I actually see regularly decreases every year.

  7. I love this chart! I am always the last to leave a party. Partially because I cling to the dying embers of a good time like someone hanging out of a plane 30,000 feet in the air, and partially because my kids, in the same spirit, have gone and found a great hiding place in your house and are nowhere to be found and I am panicking. (True story). We’d be good IRL friends because we’d never be able to leave the other person’s house. Literally…

    1. How could I forget the hiding? How do they honestly think that is going to end? With them living in the friend’s closet forever?

  8. Oh, Amy, I thought when I signed up for the email notifications of your blog that I would get one each time you posted. That’s not been the case so far. Since I lost you on my feed, this was the only other way I knew to get notified of your great posts. At any rate, I’ll keep trying! I so enjoyed this one- your handy dandy chart will make for a good convo topic next time we have a gno with my group!

    1. Shelly, I so appreciate you tracking down my new posts, and I’m sorry it’s been such a hassle. I don’t know what’s going on with the email notifications. Please let me know if you are still having trouble, because others may be as well.

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