I knew that having kids would be awesome, which is why I nagged my husband for three years to knock me up. What I didn’t know was that there are all kinds of unexpected perks to rolling with a posse of shorties. Most of you reading this already have kids, but for those of you that are on the fence about breeding, or have a reluctant spouse, here is a list of 14 surprisingly awesome things about having kids you can look forward to in the future.
1. People are always giving the kids candy, but as a good parent you are supposed to keep almost all of it away from the kids. Get that? You HAVE TO EAT CANDY.
2. You gain magical powers. The powers to know everything and to make pain disappear with just one kiss. Like a wizard.
3. You get to see the joy in your spouse’s face when they realize that someone besides the dog finally appreciates the hilarity of their stinky ass.
4. For several years you will enjoy the cornucopia of half eaten chicken nuggets and mac and cheese that your children abandon. WARNING: Enjoy this time, because before you know it, those same children will be finishing their meals and pilfering yours, too.
5. When at restaurants with children, you often get seated in the very back, away from the other patrons. While some may be offended by this, I always love it. It’s like we have the place to ourselves, or we’re in the VIP section.
6. I think misquoted song lyrics are terribly funny, and kids are always messing up lyrics. “Moves Like Jagger” becomes “The Baby Jaguar Song” and “I cross my heart and I hope to die” becomes “I cross my heart and I hope you die.” I don’t know if my four-year-old is just into sailors, but “Call Me Maybe” is “Call Me Matey.”
7. It’s not just song lyrics, either. To my nephew, Harry Potter is “Hairy Pie.” This comedy is not, under any circumstances, to be corrected.
8. If you don’t have kids, you’ve probably never seen someone wake up from a nap by falling off the couch and immediately start singing “This Little Light of Mine.”
9. Many establishments don’t have public restrooms, but they’ll let you use the employee bathroom if you are packing a tiny-bladdered child. Confession: Often it’s really me that has to go. Hey man, adults have bathroom emergencies, too.
10. Traveling with small children? Don’t worry about there being no space in the overhead compartment for your carry-on bag. That kid is going to allow you to preboard, and some other poor sucker is going to have to gate check their bag.
11. Kids make excellent excuses. Sorry we can’t come to your open mic poetry night. We can’t find a sitter. Sorry we have to leave your party right before the slideshow from your vacation starts, but the kids need to get to bed.
12. Cake. Every kid your kid knows will invite them to their birthday party. When they start school, some classmates invite the entire class. These parties all have cake. You may not get your own slice, but you can at least steal a bite from your kid. Do not, however, steal a bite from another kid. Apparently that’s “inappropriate.”
13. You get to enjoy all of your favorite childhood books all over again. What up, Shel Silverstein? I’ve missed you, old friend.
14. There is always someone to snuggle, and your kids will usually smell better than your dog or cat.
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