College is a time of self-discovery, and of eating more pizza than one human should consume in a lifetime. I learned tons of things from my professors, and a few of those things I even remember! The most important things I learned in college, though? They happened outside the classroom. You don’t have to call me professor if you don’t want to, but I’m going to be dropping some knowledge on you right now.
1. Go easy on the ranch dressing, unless you want to buy all new pants to accommodate your ranch ass.
2. In less than ten years, that friend who accidentally brushes her teeth with a tampon after a night out is a mom. An awesome one.
3. If your boyfriend is a cheater in high school, what the hell do you think he’s going to do in college? I guess the question should be WHO do you think he’s going to do? Because the answer is everyone he can.
4. If you know someone who “dated a star football player for a few weeks,” it really means they hooked up twice.
5. Just because the dining hall will make you a grilled cheese on white bread (GC-dub) every day for every meal, you don’t have to order it every day for every meal. Similarly, if there is an afternoon nacho bar, you don’t need to hit that up every day between GC-dubs.
6. College is a great time to reinvent yourself. But not so much when your roommate is a high school friend, and most of the people you hang out went to your high school, too.
7. It is possible to be at a bar when it opens, and stay until it closes. Even with an unfortunate bout of diarrhea about two hours in.
8. Zero cashiers think it’s cute when you purchase a pack of cigarettes with nickels and pennies.
9. Not all cheap beer is made the same. I’m looking at you, Natural Ice, you sick sonofabitch.
10. Attending class is actually pretty important. Pretend it’s work. You’ll have to do that someday, too.
11. When you and your friends rent a hot tub to put in the parking lot of your apartment complex on graduation weekend, it’s helpful to have a friend who works for the apartment rental company. She can go in early on Monday morning and erase all of the noise complaints. Also, don’t be afraid to ask the hot tub delivery guy to do a beer run. You’re in a bikini. He’ll do it.
12. Establish a bar name. Share it with creepers who you don’t want to give your real name. Do not, however, use it on the guy who is friends with your bestie. When you are in that friend’s wedding, and your real name is listed on the program, it will be awkward.
13. If you are a terrible beer bonger, STOP TRYING. You’ll just keep drenching shirts and choking.
14. Get to know people. This is the place you’ll meet some of your best friends. And maybe your future spouse.
15. But not that guy. Don’t waste too much time on that one. You know he’s not the one. Everyone knows he’s not the one.
16. When your younger brother is a freshman at the same college, make sure he lives next door so he can share the care packages that your mom sends him. You know, the ones she never sent to you. Not even when you were a homesick freshman. Not even when she’s sending them to your brother who lives right next door, did you think I wasn’t going to find out, what the hell MOM?
17. Being without a car in college sucks. But not as much as having a car. Everyone wants a ride, all the time. Kind of like owning a truck as an adult, and having to help everyone move sofas and shit every weekend.
18. A great pair of Doc Martens will get you through anything. Except snow and ice. For a shoe with such a rugged bottom, they are as slippery as a fresh pair of heels.
19. Visit your parents. But not too much.
20. Pay attention in computer lab. That internet is going to be a big deal.
Tell me what you remember from college!
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