1. Rolling your eyes makes a statement, but never a good one. And don’t bother denying the eye roll. It’s been seen, documented, and the fight will now last 30 minutes longer. Fellas, an eye roll is particularly unbecoming on you. See also: The heavy sigh.
2. Giving your husband the silent treatment doesn’t work, because he doesn’t notice. And if he does notice, he likes the quiet. You aren’t punishing him, you are rewarding him. The silent treatment is my signature move, and I’m not sure my husband even realizes it’s in my wheelhouse.
3. Don’t worry about keeping score. I am confident in the knowledge that I do more stuff around the house, and my husband knows that he does more than me. Really, we both do lots of stuff. It’s our lazy ass kids who aren’t pulling their weight.
4. It’s important to make each other laugh. I make my husband laugh by saying things like, “Are you excited for the Oscars?” and “We should have more vegetarian meals,” and he makes me laugh by suggesting I get up early to make his lunch, or asking me to clip his toenails.
5. There is something very special about making fun of your kids with the person who co-created them. It’s that feeling that sustains me through the hard times. Like baseball season.
6. Daddy gets the big piece of chicken. Chris Rock will tell you it’s Daddy’s due for knocking out the rent. Even when I was the primary bread winner, my husband got the big piece of chicken. He says, “I outweigh you by 100 pounds.” My response, “Not for long!” as I reach for seconds.
7. Don’t come between a man and his grill. If my husband had to choose between another man’s hands on his wife or another man’s hands on his grill, he’d struggle with the choice.
8. Your family will think your kids look just like you, and your in-laws will think they look just like your spouse. This debate will be most fierce when the kids are newborns, and barely look human.
9. Think back to the beginning of your relationship. Every once in a while, put that much effort into it now. Not to sound all Dr. Laura or anything, but care in your appearance, care in your home, and a pleasant demeanor is a nice thing to do for the most important person in your life. (And no, I’m not talking about your kids.) Tomorrow you can put those yoga pants back on, heat up some leftovers, and everyone will be happy. While we’re doing nice things, how about this? Put out, even when you don’t feel like it. You do a million things every day that you don’t feel like doing. Getting some is more fun than laundry 100% of the time.
10. Don’t expect perfect communication. Just because he doesn’t tell you that you’re pretty, doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking it. I get around this by waiting until my husband has lost his train of thought. He’ll say, “What was I going to say…?” and I’ll prompt, “That I look so pretty?” His answer is always yes. Boom. Complimented.