Why I’d Fail Kindergarten

Why I'd Fail Kindergarten: A funny and mostly true tale of a barely capable mom.

My kindergartner came home from school with his first report card yesterday, and after I was done congratulating myself on raising a child who is (so far) meeting or exceeding expectations in both academic and social markers, I honed in on one particular area. Work Habits. There are many of my husband’s traits that I hope the kids favor, but none more than this. I began to evaluate myself on the specific behaviors expected of a five year old, and I didn’t like what I found.

Listens attentively and applies information presented
I have an amazing skill of forgetting someone’s name the very second they introduce themselves. It is terribly embarrassing, and I am frequently asking friends what people’s names are, and then promptly forgetting the name again. I rarely call someone by name, because even if you are related to me, I don’t trust myself to get your name right.

Don’t even get me started on how many times the kids are talking to me and I’m not even pretending to listen. If they ask me a question and I’m not paying attention, my answer is always “I don’t know.” They think I’m a complete idiot, and can frequently be heard saying, “Let’s ask Dad. He’ll know.” Needs improvement

Follows directions
I follow some directions. How to install a carseat, driving directions, …well, that might be it. I see most other directions more like suggestions. I almost never follow a recipe completely. Sometimes it’s because I don’t have an ingredient on hand, other times it’s because the ingredients don’t list garlic. With the exception of most desserts, garlic makes everything better, and why would I blindly follow a recipe that doesn’t know this basic cooking fact? Even when I know I’ll be reviewing a recipe for Crock Pot Thursday, I can’t bring myself to follow the directions. Needs improvement

Starts and completes work in a reasonable amount of time
Hahahahaha. I am a terrible procrastinator, and I know it’s time to do laundry when one of three things happen: The Doctor runs out of socks, Graham runs out of pants, or we can’t get to the closet because of the towering pile of dirty clothes. As a girl, Lily’s wardrobe is so vast, I could avoid laundry for a month and she would still have clean clothes. After I am forced to finally wash some clothes, it takes me another day or two to fold that laundry. It may never get put away; rather, my family knows to shop the folded laundry out of the “clean” basket. My housekeeping skills are terrible, or to use the proper report card terminology…Unacceptable

Completes homework
Replace “homework” with “housework” and my rating is clear. In my defense, who ever completes housework? Even when my house is clean and company ready, it only stays that way for five seconds. After that there are dirty socks on the living room rug, pee splattered somewhere in the general vicinity of the toilet, and the tumbleweeds of dog hair have regenerated and can be found nestling against anything that stands still. Needs improvement

Demonstrates independence and initiative
I don’t know how I can demonstrate independence when I haven’t been alone for almost six years. I’d like to try peeing independently some time in the near future, but for now, we’ll set this marker aside, and evaluate it again in the spring. Not assessed

Demonstrates willingness to take risks and make mistakes
Sharing my words with all of you is one of the riskiest things I’ve done (while sober..duh!) and I chose to make two humans, which indicates willingness to make mistakes. Lots of mistakes. Meets expectations

Strives to produce quality work
I strive to be an engaged and present wife and mother. I strive to create a safe and happy home for our children. I strive to be a respectful daughter and daughter-in-law, a loving sister and sister-in-law, and a fun and supportive friend. I hope I’m on target more often than not, but I know I sometimes miss the mark. Needs improvement

Demonstrates organizational skills


Applies technology appropriately
I utilize television and video games to entertain and placate my children when we are waiting for the car to be serviced, when I need to make an important phone call, or when I just need a little bit of quiet time, thankyouverymuch. I apply the hell out of technology. Outstanding

Seeks help when appropriate
I have my village and I use it often. I surround myself with women who make me laugh, listen to me vent, offer advice, and allow me to brag. Meeting expectations 

Here’s where I’m lacking: Friends offer to watch the kids so my husband and I can go out and we never take them up on it. What a couple of dipshits we are. Unacceptable

I’ve got a ways to go. While my boy is working towards learning and performing beyond his grade level, I’ll be working on demonstrating self-control and taking responsibility for personal actions. But right now, I’m going to be lying on the couch eating carrot cake. It’s not my fault. My husband shouldn’t have brought that cake home from work.

16 thoughts on “Why I’d Fail Kindergarten

  1. This was wonderful, and scary to think about. I wouldn't want to be graded on a kindergarten report card now- no way! I'd probably get an N or U in too many things…

  2. Oh crap, Amy, are you telling me I've FAILED KINDERGARTEN???? I just rated myself. It's really scary. No wonder I can't get a job, passing kindergarten is a very important thing!I love how you can take a report card and turn it into an amazing and funny blog post. You can't see me, but I'm totally doing the Wayne's World "I'm not worthy!" worship thing.

    1. It was a blow to me, too. I kicked ass in kindergarten, so I guess I've backslid a bit in the past 30 years. Thank you for saying those lovely things about me. I've never been "I'm not worthy"-ed!

  3. Hi I just found your blog. Based on this post though, I imagine we would get along great. I have a first grader who did great in kindergarten last year but apparently I would have failed.

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