My Kids Are The Best. And The Worst.

My Kids Are the Best. And Worst.

A friend was feeling bad yesterday morning. She had an epic fight with her three-year-old over the fact that he wouldn’t let her wipe him after pooping. They were late for preschool, she had other kids to load in the car, and she didn’t have time for his shit. Literally. She lost her temper, and after dropping him off at school, she still carried her remorse.

I listened to her story, laughing as I pictured her chasing her boy around the house trying to wipe his ass, because I had gotten all scary mommy on my five-year-old that same morning. He hadn’t put his clothes away like I asked, and his room was in shambles. Picking up his books and putting his clothes in his drawers is his responsibility, and I was pissed.

There are some things that set me off. I lose my temper and I say mean things. Last night in the car with both kids, my three-year-old daughter screamed. She has a scream worthy of a slasher film, and it pierces my skull. She screams when she’s happy (We get to go swimming today! Scream!), when she’s mad (No more cartoons? Scream!), or just for fun, like in the car last night. I yelled at her to stop (yes, I see the correlation), and told her that screaming and yelling in the car can distract the driver, who could get in an accident, and we could all die. That’s right. I told my girl that her screaming could actually kill us.

That’s not the only horrifying thing I’ve said to my kids. Not holding a grown-up’s hand in the parking lot or while crossing the street may get you hit by a car and your head will explode like a cantaloupe (stole that beauty from some friends). If you’re naughty on the airplane the pilot will kick you off and you won’t be able to see Grandma. I threaten to leave my kids places on the regular. I’m not proud of some of the things I say to them, but if it happens at my house, maybe it happens at yours, too.

I think it’s sort of endearing how we all think our kids are the absolute best but also the absolute worst. We feel more comfortable telling our friends the awful things our kids do. We have no problem one-upping each other with the bad stuff, but inside we all know that our kids really are better than everyone else’s kids. I am absolutely certain that my kids are cuter, smarter, funnier, and more clever than all other children in the entire world, but that they are also the biggest assholes. I know you get it, because your kids are probably also the goldenest of golden children.

I love my kids HARD. They get billions of hugs and kisses, they are frequently told that they are my very favorite boy and girl in the world, and I truly delight in them. They make me laugh, they make me proud, and I like them as people. But they can irritate me on a good day, and provoke my anger until I’m raging like a hurricane on a bad day. I think that’s why parenting is so exhausting. There is more emotional seesawing than a high school romance. At least this relationship will last till prom.

35 thoughts on “My Kids Are The Best. And The Worst.

  1. Having my two littlest ones being only 18 months apart, they drive me insane sometimes! They are both individually cute and sweet, but together….CRAZY. Mommy loses her cool fairly often when she finds that FratBoy2 has taken a whole tube of chapstick to his Pottery Barn Anywhere chair. (Yesterday) or that they have turned a laundry basket upside down to climb into the cabinets and get candy, and then turn it back on me and say it is my FAULT they were naughty because they were hungry! Stinkers!

    1. Ha! Admit it. You were impressed with their ingenuity with the laundry basket stunt. 🙂 Gunking up the Pottery Barn chair would have set me off for sure. Hopefully it has a removable and washable cover!

  2. Any parent who says they have never said something mean or threatening kids in a moment of weakness/frustration/craziness is lying. Period. 🙂 My kids are the cutest, smartest, biggest loves of my life in the universe, but there are times when I feel like I should be wearing my "MEAN MOM" t-shirt. By the way, i too have a shrieker. I've said something very similar to her many times. Sometimes you can't candy coat it, you just have to play that card. I had a friend who had a daughter who was the greatest, funniest kid, but she didn't listen unless you laid it out for her. One day after repeatedly asking her to stop running around with a sucker in her mouth, he stopped her, looked her straight in the eye and said,"If you don't stop running around with that sucker in your mouth, you'll fall, that sucker will stuck in your brain and you'll die." She quit running around after that. I haven't found a solution to the shrieking about every single freaking thing in the universe (because everything is a catastrophe-she is going to be an actress,probably in horror movies) but I'll let you know when I do!

    1. "…stuck in your brain…" Awesome. L's screaming irritates my husband way more than me, and he puts her in a time out every time she screams. It has had no effect whatsoever. Hurry up and find a solution to the shrieking…for everyone's sake!

  3. My youngest is now 16 and yes, parenthood IS that emotional seesaw all the way through. My oldest is getting married in a few weeks, and we still have moments where that seesaw is tipping one way and then another. But there's nothing else like it and no other love like the one you have for your child.I had to laugh at your Pull-Ups story. I remember a few of those myself.

  4. We all do it. Sometimes you have to. We can't all be happy and well-mannered parents all the time. If we don't tell kids their head will explode like a cantaloupe from time to time, I think our heads would explode.

  5. Potty training flipped my scary switch. I lost my ever-loving mind going through it with my second. Sometimes I feel bad because I think back to the things I said during that phase of his life and I'm like, "Wow. I sure hope I didn't scar him for life." And then I think, "Well, if I did, he scarred me, too, so I guess we're even."

    1. Potty accidents continue to be my hot button. My kids have bladders the size of a jellybean (my bladder is daintily adorable, too) and so they have to "go pee so bad" like a million times a day. The things I most regret saying have been regarding potty training. They don't seem too scarred. Yet.

  6. Given my children's personality traits, I figure the first will be a writer, the second a comedian, so I excuse all of my craptastic parenting by telling myself I'm just giving them good material.

  7. Hey Amy, this is your mom, Susan.I've been waiting for a chance to work that into a comment naturally, but alas, I have given up and just decided to burst out with it.

  8. My oldest (Boy Wonder, age 6) got angry at me in the car and threatened to jump out. I explained (in kids terms) what would happen if he did. Naturally, this involved exploding heads and exposed brains…and now the child has a fascination with death. "Will that make me die Mommy?" "jumping out of cars makes you be dead and you will never see your friends our mommy & daddy ever again. Never ever. Cuz you're dead." Mommy's honesty = backfire!!

  9. Yes, I have given birth to the most wonderful and embarrassing friends that I have ever had. Thankfully they make me laugh otherwise they'd be living at the zoo – where I have threatened to ship them off to live on more than one occasion! Tracy @

  10. When we fought in the car my mother used to tell us a story. A woman was driving her van full of kids when the kids started fighting in the backseat. The Mom turned to stop them, went off the road and they all died. It took me decades to realize that, if they all died, how did they know if was kids fighting in the car?

  11. I so related to this post! I had such high hopes for myself as a mother and was so adamant about the things I would never say to my kids. Well that hasn’t worked out the way I planned!! It’s nice to know I’m not alone! Great post!

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