Crazy Ass Games My Kids Play

Like most kids, mine are always pretending. They hunt and fight bad guys, they are superheroes, or they are some type of animal. They are wizards, royalty, Star Wars characters, doctors, and scientists. They are babies. Or they are fighting.

When L is being a baby, she likes to use props. Recently she asked for a pacifier (lollipop) and I was so impressed by her cleverness, I gave it to her even though it was 6:45 am. I obviously didn’t think about the long-term ramifications of this choice, and now she wants to be a baby ALL THE TIME. Like a real baby with a real pacifier, stopping the paci cold turkey has resulted in more than a few tears. My kids didn’t really use pacifiers (there wasn’t room in their mouths since they were on my tit 24/7) so this is probably my punishment for my “I’m so glad we didn’t do that” attitude about pacifiers. That karma is a tricky bitch.

One of L’s favorite games is what I like to call “Black Market Baby.” Using both her vast baby collection and her pink cash register, she peddles dolls and stuffed animals to anyone she can get to play with her. Filling up her little shopping cart (carriage, buggy, whatever you call it in your part of the world) with tiny babies, soft babies, princess babies, and stuffed animals, she wheels on up, and asks “What baby do you want?” Her customer chooses the child of their choice, and then L gives them the money to buy it. She obviously doesn’t really know how consumerism works. Lately much of our purchasing has been done online, so her game has been revised to include cardboard boxes and deliveries. I’ve been getting so many babies from Amazon the past few weeks.

The newest game is a version of Doctor that never had a chance. L pretends to be unconscious and G drags her around the house by her arms or her feet. He lugs her to me, and drops her, like a cat offering a mouse. He checks for signs of life by tickling her or giving her zerberts. So far, he’s been able to revive her with these methods. She can hold her giggles for a bit, but is laughing before long. The kids love this game, but I don’t, and the entire time they played it, I was saying “Hey, guys…um, if someone is really sleeping and you can’t wake them up, you have to tell a grown-up right away, OK?” Or, “She’s just sleeping, right? You aren’t pretending she’s dead, are you? Because that’s not a good thing to play.” It’s hard to play a made up game when your mom’s up your ass the whole time.

Another recent favorite has L as the mommy and G as the kid. This game is good in that nobody’s dead, and is mostly L tending to G’s toddler-esque needs. She covers him with a blanket, sings him songs, brings him snacks, and rattles toys in front of his face. The only really annoying part of this game is that he is constantly calling out “Mommy!” and I respond. I’m not supposed to respond. I’m not the mommy in this game. Until I am again, and then they get all worked up that I’m not listening. That and the baby talk. The way my kids pretend to talk like a baby is nails on the chalkboard to me. It makes my ears bleed. Real babies sound sweet and adorable. My pretend babies sound like screeching owls.

My kids play well together. Most of the time. As long as they aren’t fighting, crying, or whining, they can pretend to be pretty much whatever they want. I can’t wait until the next time they fight so I can try this:

Photo credit: The Ellen Degeneres Show

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