10 Things I’ve Learned From People Magazine

10 Things I've Learned From People Magazine

10. An “onlooker,” “insider,” and “gal pal” are all people with much to say. I’m not sure why famous people still hang out with these guys and tell them things. Those three bitches gossip like crazy.

9. Three weeks is plenty of time to decide to get married, and a three year engagement is also appropriate. For marriage number one or marriage number eight. Better spend a crap ton of money on that wedding, though, if you want people (and People) to take it seriously.

8. Childhood celebrities get a bad rap. The most important ingredient in the “future drug addict” cocktail is a pair of train wreck parents. I’m looking at you, Lohans and Culkins. Natalie Portman, Danica McKellar, and Joseph Gordon-LevittΒ all worked as child actors and are productive adults. For every River Phoenix, there is a Reese Witherspoon, Ron Howard, Dakota Fanning, Shirley Temple Black, Neil Patrick Harris…

7. Celebrities have lots of houses because they need lots of closets to hold their many handbags. How they can switch bags so frequently and still find anything is incredible to me. The only thing that manages to make it into every bag I use is broken granola bars and random Lego pieces.

6. Pretty couples don’t always make pretty babies. Particularly when the daughters take after dad. Can you imagine how disappointing it would be to look like a supermodel and birth a daughter who looks just like the square jaw that will be your ex in a few short years?

5. There are about 468 types of mascara. They are all amazing and if purchased will make your lashes four feet long.

4. Celebrities pretty much only read non-fiction. Just ask them!

3. J Lo has the absolute worst taste in men. Even Ben Affleck, who used to be number one on my laminated celebrity list, but is now a head-shaking, “what a shame” disappointment.

2. work as a backup dancer or celebrity bodyguard, you can bang any celebrity you want. Fish in a barrel, people.

1. Those crossword puzzles are a real ego boost.

 



20 thoughts on “10 Things I’ve Learned From People Magazine

  1. LOVE IT! I never who anyone is if I get a hand-me-down US Magazine or something…I feel so out of touch. But then I think, "Wait, why is NOT knowing these d-bags making me feel like crap?!?" So I keep flipping thru and lust after all the handbags instead. : )

    1. I get hand-me-down People magazines from my neighbor, who gets them from her mother-in-law. Everything is a month old by the time I read it, but I'm out of touch, too, so it's all news to me!

  2. This is hysterical. I've often thought it would be very hard to be Alexa Ray Joel. If your mom is Christie Brinkley and you end up looking like the spitting image of Billy Joel, I guess you learn pretty early on that life isn't fair.

  3. HA! The mascara comment is awesome. I STILL haven't found what I'm looking for. *sigh*And definitely, definitely stay away from those insider bitches.Great post! Found you at Finding the Funny. πŸ™‚

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