Relationship Advice from the Funniest Women on the Internet

When I make new friends, I like to freak them out by either sharing an embarrassing story about myself, or asking them so many questions they think I work for the government. Since I’ve already shared the story of getting a Brazilian wax at eight months pregnant, I thought the best way to bond with my co-authors of I Just Want to Be Alone would be to grill them for relationship advice, the good and the bad, and today I’m sharing our collective wisdom with you.

Relationship Advice from the Women of I Just Want to Be Alone What is the best relationship advice you’ve been given?

  • “Overlook the little things.” After 20 years of marriage I’m certifiably blind. –  Michelle Newman, You’re My Favorite Today.
  • “Laugh every day.” My husband makes this sooooooo easy.” – Stephanie Jankowski, WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion
  • “Date for lust. Get engaged for love. Marry because you’re confident your spouse will never blow your 401k on a scheme to start a spelunking tourism business.” – Nicole Leigh Shaw, NinjaMomBlog
  • “Ignore the farting.” – Deva Dalporto, MyLifeSuckers
  • “Give each other plenty of alone time. It’s absence that makes the heart fonder, not time together.” – Rebecca, Frugalista Blog
  • “Talk about everything. Keep the lines of communication open.” You’re going to be in trouble if you can’t talk in times of crisis. – Kathy, Kissing the Frog
  • “Never marry a man you meet in a bar.” This from my grandma who met my grandpa in a bar. Also, I didn’t listen — I my husband in a bar. – Suzanne Fleet, Toulouse & Tonic
  • “Don’t listen to a thing your in-laws say, unless they’re right.” My MIL told me this. – Kim Bongiorno, Let Me Start By Saying
  • “Never compare your relationship to others. You never know what’s going on behind closed doors” – Meredith Napolitano, From Meredith to Mommy
  • “Handle all finances and lie about how much things cost.” Allison Hart, Motherhood, WTF?
  • “Don’t be afraid to admit you are wrong. Even if you still think you are right.” Good advice, but I usually end up just rehashing the whole thing because I was right in the first place, dammit! -Katie Manley, Somewhat Sane Mom
  • “Go on dates after having kids.” Too bad my husband doesn’t allow me to date. – Amy Flory (that’s me, you guys)
  • One of my “Senior Moments” posts-posts with gems from my grandma-was about dating, so take what you want from this “advice”:
    1. Don’t be so stubborn. He doesn’t have to look like a movie star or make a lot of money. You don’t want ugly kids, but if you wait too long, you won’t have any kids at all.
    2. You have to spice things up. I remember your grandpa would come downstairs while I was doing the washing and bend me over the washing machine. Sometimes I was annoyed, but it never lasted long enough for me to care.
    3. If you’re in a car with a man and he starts to get fresh with his hands, tell him to knock it off. If he doesn’t listen, open the door and kick his ass out of the car. Tell him to go find a floosy on the avenue and then take yourself out for ice cream.-Abby, Abby Has Issues

What is the worst relationship advice you’ve been given?

  • My bridal edition Betty Crocker Cookbook suggested that I put on a pretty dress and makeup before my husband gets home from a long day at work. Um, the man was super grateful if dinner wasn’t burned. – Courtney Fitzgerald, Our Small Moments
  • “Never let him know my beauty secret.” Note to self: find a beauty secret. – Stephanie, WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion
  • “I haven’t been given bad relationship advice, but ‘marry for stock options’ would likely be up there. Everyone knows you marry for money.” – Nicole Leigh Shaw, NinjaMomBlog
  • “Marry a yacht, not a canoe.” Thanks, Mom. You have such healthy priorities. – Deva Dalporto, MyLifeSuckers
  • “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Not his pants like I was told in college. This can be bad or good advice depending on how you look at it. – Rebecca, Frugalista Blog
  • “Talk about EVERYTHING.” Pretty sure Hubby does not want to hear about how my period is all out of whack and I sure don’t want to hear how he’s not flexible enough to trim his own toenails. – Kathy, Kissing the Frog
  • “You can fall in love with a rich man as easy as a poor man.” Wait, is this the worst of the best advice category? From my mom. – Suzanne Fleet, Toulouse & Tonic
  • “You need to wear sluttier tops. That’s all men care about.” It’s sad when your mom wishes she had your tits. – Stacey, Nurse Mommy Laughs
  • “Stroke your husband.” I think my mom was talking about his ego, but once she said “stroke” I couldn’t focus anymore. – Jen, PIWTPITT
  • “Never go to bed angry…or with a knife in your hand.” Bethany, Bad Parenting Moments
  • “Don’t give away the milk for free.” Puhleeze. Since when am I a freaking cow? (Don’t answer that.) Allison Hart, Motherhood, WTF?
  • “Always try to look nice for your husband.” Totally unrealistic. And how do you know that he doesn’t like my high waisted, ripped in the crotch, elastic ankle Arizona sweat pants from 1994? -Katie, Somewhat Sane Mom
  • “Never go to bed mad.” How is sleep deprivation going to make me less mad? – Amy Flory (still me)

What is the secret to a happy relationship?

  • Space! Each do your own thing and be good at it.- Meredith Spidel, The Mom of the Year
  • Copious amounts of wine. – Michelle Newman, You’re My Favorite Today
  • Good conversation. And by conversation, I mean sex. Once a month when I’m not tired. – Stephanie WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion
  • Celebrity crushes. – Nicole Leigh Shaw, NinjaMomBlog
  • Separate comforters. Because fighting over the covers kills marital bliss. – Deva Dalporto, MyLifeSuckers
  • Not talking to each other in the morning before coffee. – Rebecca, Frugalista Blog
  • Point out the chick with the great rack. At least he knows you know he’s looking. Kathy – Kissing the Frog
  • Short term memory. – Suzanne Fleet, Toulouse & Tonic
  • Deliberately point out all your flaws before getting married. If you can both deal with how horribly annoying and freakish each of you are, then it’s a match made for all eternity. – Kim Bongiorno, Let Me Start By Saying
  • As soon as I find out, I’m going to bottle it and rub it all over the man snoring next to me. I guess it could be laughter? – Stacey, Nurse Mommy Laughs
  • Separate TVs. And no judgment of what’s on the DVR list. – Meredith, From Meredith to Mommy
  • “Effective deodorant.” – Bethany, Bad Parenting Moments
  • The right balance of time together and time apart. And similar tastes in snacks.  People that snack together, stay together. -Katie, Somewhat Sane Mom
  • Sister wives. – Amy Flory

Mad props to the Super Cool Lady Writers for playing along, and an extra fist bump to Abby’s grandmother, who can really dish some badass advice.

I Just Want to Be Alone is released tomorrow (!!) and the advance praise is great! You can preorder it today, or you can enter to win a copy HERE. If you still aren’t sure what this book is all about, check out this thorough and thoughtful review from Jenn Rose of Something Clever 2.0.

Praise for I Just Want to Be Alone

 

What are you waiting for? Order your copy today!

26 thoughts on “Relationship Advice from the Funniest Women on the Internet

    1. Jenn’s review is incredible, and I will be basing all other reviews forever on her gold standard. You’re in charge of her bribe, right?

  1. Even though I read these as we were compiling them, seeing them in this post is just gold. Hilarious, yet also informative. This might be why I’m single.

    1. I love that some of my favorite advice was from you, via your grams. I can’t wait to get old(er) and talk like that.

  2. Great questions and hilarious answers! Can’t wait to read the book. My Grandma (AKA, Grandma Hot Pussy Pants) always has some fantastic advice on marriage and life. I’m gonna have to interview her with these questions.

    1. I’m glad you thought it was as funny as I did! Think I can just ask these ladies a question a week and publish the answers? 🙂

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