What Greeting Cards Should Really Say

Hallmark

I hate greeting card shopping for my husband.

None of the sentiments fit our relationship, and they all feel hollow. Insincere. I don’t know why this always surprises me, because how can I expect a stranger who is creating a brand of thoughtfulness to appeal to the general public to pen just the right thing for me?

I can’t be the only one who is disappointed when looking at the acres of mass produced sentiment before that special someone’s birthday or an anniversary. Love is so universal, something that is felt by all, so there should be one friggin card that fits how I feel about the man I chose to make my life and my children with. There must be other couples who gag at the title “soulmate” and who would never use the words “fairy tale” to describe their relationship, or get this one: “love was invented for us.”

I want a card that says, “Thank you for going through the piles of leaves to find the plastic jewelry your daughter lost while rolling around in them when she was ‘being a good helper.'”

Or one that says, “Remember when you proposed and we were so giddy that we locked ourselves out of our apartment and had to climb over the neighbors deck to break in? I’m glad we’re still in love, but I wish I didn’t still lock myself out all the time.”

I can never find anniversary cards that say, “I’m happy you still want to nail me after all these years. Sorry I’m not up for it every single day anymore, but I still think you’re hot.”

And on that topic, “Thanks for still finding me attractive even when my legs and my upper lip are more fitting for Tom Selleck than for the lady in your life.”

Hallmark card

“I’m happy to give you the big piece of chicken. Thanks for knockin’ out the rent.”

“Thanks for coming from a good family. I know you have no control over that, but I appreciate it anyway.”

“I’m glad you think our kids are as hilarious and adorable as I do. It’s great that you can tolerate them when I’m ready to trade them to the circus for a bag of peanuts and some cotton candy.”

And, sometimes an apology card is in order.

“Sorry I ate the last of the good Halloween candy. It was there, and you weren’t.”  

Figure it out, greeting card people. Your sunset scenes and flowery sentiment are making me sick.



44 thoughts on “What Greeting Cards Should Really Say

  1. Bwahahahaha. YES!! I find myself hoping, at best, to find a greeting card that doesn’t make me hurl whenever shopping for them. I roll my eyes so hard it hurts most of the time. I can even see my potential recipient trying not to pass out from the over sweetened sugar high of reading a card. Blergh.
    Now…the Hallmark people are INSANE if they don’t hire you right away. YOUR card are masterpieces. I’d have to buy two…or three for each occasion. They need to get ON this!!
    “I’m happy you still want to nail me after all these years. Sorry I’m not up for it every single day anymore, but I still think you’re hot.” I also need this on a needlepoint pillow. –Lisa

    1. We’ve taken to hand writing our cards, or buying one for another occasion and crossing out “Congratulations on your retirement” to make it a birthday card. Otherwise, PUKE. That needlepoint pillow will look perfect on your marital bed.

  2. I second what The Dose Girls say! Those are FAB.U.LOUS! There used to be a line of Hallmark cards that had an offbeat sense of humor (and they are now nowhere to be found because I think myself and like 2 other people bought them!) but nothings as appropriate as what you’ve created. Let me know when you go public- I’m buying stock!

    1. I can always find the perfect card for my girlfriends, and even my brother and my mom, but not my husband. What gives, Hallmark?!

  3. I think you should start making cards in your free time. :). I would like to order the first annivsary card on the list. On anniversary isn’t until July do you have some time.
    Jen

    1. So there is a reason I teach math and you are the writer. My comment above should read: Our anniversary isn’t until July, so you have some time

      1. How about “We make beautiful daughters, mostly because they look like me. Thanks for sometimes laughing at my jokes, And you’re welcome for taking a last name that my brothers will make fun of FOREVER.”

  4. I can spend hours reading and laughing at cards at the drug store, but when it comes to purchasing cards for my hubby it’s really difficult. I agree when you say there just aren’t cards that fit our relationship.

    Another card shopping pet peeve are grandparent cards. We never called our Grandmothers “Grandma” and neither does our daughter! They seem to have every other variation of Grandparent cards, but no Gram, Mommom or Pop, or Poppy. It’s frustrating! Those cards seem insincere since the “title” of the card isn’t even fitting.

  5. I love this post!! I hate buying cards, in fact I won’t do it anymore, I make my own.

    I do have to say though, I think you may have found another calling, I would totally buy one of your cards!! xo

  6. Totally agree!!! And, why is it that anytime you have to buy a card for a man (whether it be father, brother, husband, etc) they always have to be about farting!?? Am I the only one that notices this? Great list. You should start a card company. I’d buy them. 🙂

  7. HAAHA!! These are awesome ideas! Look out Hallmark! I think my favorite is “I’m glad you still want to nail me” – awesome! Oh and I could’ve used the Halloween one about eating all of the candy!

  8. Publish this shit stat. Love this blog. Just found it a month ago and have been combing through old posts. It’s keeping me laughing while watching my 2 year old and bracing myself for popping out baby number 2 in the next several weeks. My lil boy has been watching a lot of tv while mommy is “working,” aka reading funny is family. You rock girl.

    1. You, my lady, are my new favorite. Thank you for this awesome comment, and good luck squeezing that newest baby out of your nethers!

    1. There is a last piece of pie calling my name right now, but I don’t have an apology card handy to manage that situation, so I’ll leave it.

  9. Hey Amy, check out Send Out Cards. You can create your own card or take one of the thousands that are in our card catalog, add your very OWN messages, just like you mentioned in your blog, and then click SEND. We will print, stamp and mail a REAL PHYSICAL greeting card in the mail to anyone you want. Your spouse, your kids, your parents, your neighbors, your friends…anyone, anywhere at any time! Each card costs $1.08 and that includes the stamp!! If you add personal photos, it’s only an extra .31 per card, so it’s STILL cheaper than any quality card you can buy in the store!! Anyone who loves to buy cards & gifts will LOVE using Send Out Cards. Try it today at: http://www.easy2sendcards.com

  10. Stopping by from Finding the Funny. Absolutely LOVE this! Hallmark should hire you right now. They could launch an entirely new line of cards – they’d FLY off the shelves. “I’m happy you still want to nail me after all these years. Sorry I’m not up for it every single day anymore, but I still think you’re hot.” That’s my fav! The merchandising opportunities are endless!

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