One of my favorite types of writers are those who have a conversational style that I can hear as I read; writers who land jokes solidly with inflection and timing that jumps off the page. The danger of this is that I quickly begin to assume these writers are my personal friends, since they are speaking directly to me. And only me. Meredith from The Girl Next Door Drink and Swears is this type of writer, making me a fan and a close, personal friend. Obviously. Sure, we’ve never met, but that’s only because she’s way over there in California, and she still  hasn’t offered to fly me out to stay at her house. It’s cool. I’m patient.
While I wait for my invite, let’s read one of my favorite posts of hers. When you’re done laughing, find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Bloglovin’. Tell her I might not wait forever. And that I’m going to want to go to Disneyland when I visit.

Have you seen that list titled “A Bunch of Crap You Better Do if You Don’t Want Your Marriage to Fail” (or something like that)? I saw a condensed version (about 10 items) a few years ago and I’ve recently seen a much more extensive one (60 things – that’s SIXTY, as in SIX-ZERO) circulating around Facebook over the past few weeks.

I’m not going to bash the entire list…or even the idea of the list…because I really do think it’s important to nurture the relationship with your significant other, and sometimes that takes a concentrated effort. But, y’all. Some of the things on this list are just fiddle-dee-diculous. As in I think the person that wrote it just thought up a bunch of crap so the list would end on an even number. Or maybe they were high. Hard to tell.

Like I said, I’m not gonna talk trash about the list in its entirety because a few of the ideas are actually good bits of advice, if my opinion counts for anything. Which it likely does not. Whatever. I’m sharing them with you anyway.

The ones I liked are:

• Kiss every day. We do this. Except when he’s traveling. The logistics just don’t work in that scenario. 

• Be honest. Relationships don’t thrive when there are trust issues. So don’t lie. Except when I look ugly. Or fat. In which case it’s totally okay to lie. Take my word for it, men…if you and your lady are getting ready to go out and she asks you if she looks fat and even follows it up with, “I mean it. Be honest,” and you bite the bullet and say yes…that date is OVAH. I’m not saying she’ll be mad at you (she will), but I AM saying she’s damn sure not leaving the house so y’all can go get your steak on at the Sizzler. I don’t care if it IS all-you-can-eat shrimp night. She ain’t goin’. Use your best judgment on this one. 

•  Laugh together. I love this about our relationship. We laugh a LOT. Mostly at each other, but still. It’s a good time. 

• Argue fair. I’ll admit I need to work on this. Sometimes I just can’t help but shout out mean and hateful things when the fight is a direct result of his jackassery. But, I realize I shouldn’t do that. At least I’m headed in the right direction. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. 

•  Sleep in his t-shirts. I’m only mentioning this one because I do it on occasion and maybe you find yourself in a similar situation regarding sleepwear. I feel like he sees it as a welcome change from the hole-ridden non-matching shit I usually wear at bedtime. When you set the bar low, it takes little to impress. You can lock that in the vault.

That’s about it for the ones that aren’t total nonsense. There are quite a few that didn’t get a reaction from me either way so I don’t feel like they are worth a mention.

But then there are the ones that are either a) So stupid I laughed out loud, or b) Cannot be applied in our relationship because we are very immature. Okay here we go (I think it is worth noting that I’ve worded these exactly as they were in the list)…

• Surprise each other. I’m going to need this one to be a little more specific. Sometimes we hide behind doors and jump out and scare the shit out of each other. Does that count?

• Meet him at the door. Do I wear my heels and best apron? Should I be holding a gin and tonic? His pipe? WTF? It’s 2013. What if he gets home first? Will he meet me at the door? This one falls under the stupid/antiquated/since when am I June Cleaver category. 

• Hide notes in secret places. Am I supposed to be working under the assumption that he will actually find them one day? Is there a time limit on this hide-and-seek game? I can ask the man to get me something out of the refrigerator and the item could sprout legs and do a dance right in front of his face and he still won’t see it. 

• Renew your vows privately with whispers and memories. The way this is worded just makes me laugh. Whispers and memories? I picture us standing in our living room whispering our vows to each other with music from ‘Cats’ softly playing in the background. And now I’m just short of hysterical with this image in my head. The kids are staring. You’ll have to give me a minute to compose myself before I can go on…

Okay, I’m back.

• Set reminders on your phone to remember him/her throughout the week. I don’t get it. Am I in danger of forgetting about this person that LIVES IN MY HOUSE? Like, I’m walking through the grocery store and an alert goes off on my phone and I’m all, “Oh, shit! I have a husband! Almost forgot. Thank goodness I set myself a reminder.”

•  Dance together – soft music (alone) – or rocking out with the kids. I am again picturing us in the living room staring at each other with my hands on his shoulders and his hands on my waist doing the junior high sway and I’m starting to feel the hysterics come back so I’m just going to move on.

• Choose not to be annoyed by an irritating behavior/disappointment from your spouse. Oh! We can “choose” not to be annoyed? Why hasn’t anyone ever told me that? The time I could have saved.

• Lay in bed together and stare into each other’s eyes, without talking. Tell me you’re not serious. Are you serious? For how long? Until one of us cracks? Because that’s like 2 seconds at best. This one. is. killing me. 

• Share furniture – sit in his lap. Again – for how long? Like a minute? ‘Til he loses sensation in his lower extremities? A whole television show? The entire duration of ‘The Hobbit’? It makes a difference because I don’t care how much you love each other – that arrangement is NOT comfortable.

• Wear shirts that tell the world you love your spouse. For realz? Like those giant groups of people that go on vacation together and wear the same shirts so they can pick each other out of a crowd? This is so hilarious that IT IS HAPPENING. I’m having these babies printed up immediately. My husband is going to be so excited!

Click this picture to order your own Boo shirts. Fo reals!

Meredith married the boy next door. So, that makes her the girl next door. They met when they were 9. Now they’ve got a couple of kids and a mortgage. Taking life too seriously takes all the fun out of it. They drink a little, they swear a little, and they laugh a lot. Making fun of themselves – and each other – is what makes them tick. Find Meredith on Facebook and Twitter, and at her blog The Girl Next Door Drink and Swears.